God - please awaken...

You always tell me to keep faith in God and keep working hard.

Professional:
You know that all that I worked hard for is dis-credited & rewards given to people whose only job in life is licking boots of their bosses. There are clients who are 100 times bigger than me, but are not ashamed to ask for favours from me. However, when it comes to providing security to me their professional compulsions suddenly become the nucleus of discussion. Where was the professionalism when they asked for and took favours?

Do you know that almost every customer expects me to cheat? Otherwise I am not to earn. The problem is, I cannot cheat. I can't cheat for the fake fear of God, so am I to languish? Why does the teaching, "Good work is always noticed & REWARDED", not leave me alone while singling me out to NEVER REWARD. Forget being thankful for the extra miles we go, there are customers who are always feigning dissatisfaction to ensure that I am under pressure and they can extract much more than they deserve or pay for.

I am into knowledge services and it has taken me years to learn what I have learnt, without help, without support, with people downgrading me at all times. Now do you know there are people who ask me, "How much does it cost you to provide this service?" As if I am to earn some profits above my labour costs. What about the years and months I have spent to learn my expertize! They will pay everyone who can demand and can take them to ranson, but I have to give everyone every single accounts statement I have to prove my costs. And then, I have to fight for profits. Why am I pitted against people who are loss makers for the companies I serve, but since they have the ability to lick, they are provided with every amenity and are provided amnesty against every crime (even forgery and conspiring against their own company and taking bribes) because their USP is that they know how to lick and suck up to their seniors. Under these circumstances I am discouraged to provide any explanations or to prove my point? I am honest, I am competent, accept me as I am, or get lost... unfortunately, I cant say it in so many words to people who should listen to this...

Family:
Family members usually extract assistance from me gave but gave me a thumbs-down when I needed help. Some of them even politiked to put me down permanently, but when they could not stomp over me, they maligned me. I will talk of 2002 when I needed work but I was summarily thrown out by a FAMILY MEMBER whose work I did for years and who I had saved from huge damages and legal hassles as also from probable imprisonment. Instead of standing by and assisting, he misbehaved with me, made allegations against me which were later proven wrong, but I had to leave my position.

Even earlier, when I was fighting for my most precious belonging, family members took anti-posture. In fact, not outsiders, but my parents cheated me and all the other relatives toed their line since their interests lay in aligning with them... after all, what could I have ever been: A LOSER!? Can you imagine being cheated by your own parents... who are supposed to be our shelter and supposed to be our most trust-worthy, unselfish confidante? But I guess, they are supposed to be... thats it. It is said that when you need advise, you get plenty of help; but when you need help, all you get is advise. Family members are like that, they come to greet and eat, but when it comes to stand-up for you, they squat.

Friends:
Friends are supposed to be your pillars of strength, but you know that so many of my friends used me as needed me and subsequently displayed their true qualities when they made it big in life. I wrote CVs for my friends who could not get jobs. I wrote not only their CV, but also trained them for interviews, mock tests and reahersals. They got the job, settled in life, but never acknowledged that in the thick of ill health I toiled for them ignoring my personal welfare. Instead of showing gratitude, they snapped contact once they achieved foreign placements which defined their career path.

You also know about my friend whose nincompoop brothers I trained to become a respectable human from the raw animals they were. You also know that I became a victim of Blood Pressure training them for which they rewarded me by unceremoniously leaving my company when I never anticipated. Do you know that they even fraudulently took away money which I have not even asked them to return? Then there is this great friend whose company I bailed out for years. Now he wants money but does not provide services and worse, he also fails to acknowledge that problems exist.

My pillars of strengths are parasites, eating away my strength.

I have lost hope - even from God:
Tell you honestly, this country is of swines, crooks & pigs. World believes the best form of habitat is through democracy, where everyone is equal. But if democracy was good, God would have been democratic, He would have been an equal father of all in this world. Instead, it is God where inequality begins. He gives opportunities to some & leaves all others to fend for themselves. Looks, ascendants, history, intelligence & money; where did God give us equally?

I know from Bill Gates' book to not expect the world to be fair with me. But then, what wrong have I done that everywhere I have been cheated? Am I paying for my past life's sins? Or am I doing wrong in this life? I do not even want to cheat my customers, when in business my only aim should be to make money. Can't God reward me for my nobility? Can't He see that I have been good to His subjects? Can't He take up my cause and punish the guilty? Why is God so helpless? He is supposed to be The Almighty. I have faith in Him since there is no one else to turn to... and by birth we are taught to pray to Him... What would He do if I am out to punish my tormentors? Why should I suffer? I am burning from within... my soul is suffering... why does He not step in? Why should He do something for me after I am beyond repair?

I have been damaged, having suffered diabetes and a hypertensive heart condition in the past quarter. Will God step in only after my death? Or would He be kind enough to kill me to not extend my suffering!